A New Broadway Play Comes to Town: Escape From the L’Anse Sewage Plant
A Review By Kenneth Asmus
Normally anything to do with sewage in the title I would run. Yet my attention was captured from the very beginning when the lead character, a watermelon named Bob discovers a world outside of the nutrient rich sewage waters derived from the residents of Lanse , Michigan. There the robust diets of these hardy Yoopers combined with the town known for consuming vast quantities of watermelon far greater than any other town of its size (1800) creates a population of resident watermelons in the sewage treatment plant. We soon find out that Bob and his family live in the sediment holding tanks only to become entangled with other fruits making their way past the human digestive barrier. Bob becomes enamored with a tomato called Shirley, yet they seem too far apart to connect in any meaningful way. Shirley was stunning. Beautiful and red despite her propensity for wastewater.
But before being consumed by a tomato hornworm Bob asks, “Surely, you must be kidding me?” referring to the great Lake Superior nearby. “No, I am not and stop calling me Shirley.” A well worn line from the Airplane series but well played. Everyone laughed. During this time, we are treated with additional ‘float by’ undesirable characters that are often found in the stream of human endeavors including needles and condoms. The audience is relieved to see a few flushed happy meal toys take on these evil doers. Mr. Hankey from South Park makes a guest appearance here. Hiddy Hi. Yet, the watermelons continue to provide a community effect in an otherwise unforgiving environment.
Eventually, as fortune would have it, our hero arrives as a black bear called Faygo who climbs the fence and begins his descent on the family patch. Spoiler back story alert: Faygo loves Faygo grape pop and is a bit too friendly with a local restaurant that allows consumption of his favorite sugary beverage to improve sales while diners watch as they consume fried whitefish sandwiches. This is a Eureka moment, and we soon realize that Faygo will also pass the progeny of Bobs family to the shores of Lake Superior one plop at a time with additional fertilizer to help them in their new home. I would say this scene was a bit too graphic for me with steam arising from the giant piles and a fan to spew the ghastly smell into the audience. I get the point, but it seemed over the top. The production designers spent way too much money. Cut back next time. Even the line, “Look mom, food” as the baby watermelon picks up the bear scat made the audience uneasy. Yet this was genuinely an organic moment. “This Too Will Pass” is a song that really fits the roller coaster emotions of the audience at this point. As tears streamed down my face, I realized what a great journey I had been on. Who doesn’t love Faygo? Right? Bob and his family continue their quest for a better life on the shores of Lake Superior fighting off cold and wind only to meet a dimwitted, phytoxenophobic ecologist played by Curtis Armstrong (Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) who says they do not belong there and begins herbiciding Bob’s family. Great Michigander casting by the way. Just in the nick of time a sympathetic gardener played by Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber,etc.) realizes the value of Bob’s adaptability to a short season and is put in a garden with others of his kind to mingle. In the end everyone is happy. We all go home loving and respecting watermelons, human processed sewage, the town of Lanse, Faygo of course and like all of America, Jeff Daniels.
It was a perfect night. I stopped at the local 7-11 for a Vernors and a pasty to cool down. I played “Closer to Home” by Grand Funk Railroad on my eight-track on my way home in my dark green Ford Mustang. My Chevy was in the shop. Oh yeah, I went full Michigan that night.
Enjoy. Kenneth Asmus
For understanding this story completely, please read the previous blog Feral Potato which has the full details of watermelon going feral in the upper peninsula of Michigan.
